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Revelstoke Death Caf茅 puts mortality front and centre

Death midwife Theresa Hamilton helps participants with the big questions surrounding life
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Theresa Hamilton moderates the discussion at this week鈥檚 death caf茅. (Jake Sherman/Revelstoke Review)

It鈥檚 an average Monday night in Revelstoke. The dim streetlights on Second Avenue illuminate a passing glistening snowflake. Seated in a circle at Dose Caf茅, 12 complete strangers are sharing conversation. The topic is death.

Tonight the oldest person here is over seventy. The youngest is in their teens.

There are atheists present. Some Christians. A Jew. Tears are shed. People hug. We鈥檙e at a Death Caf茅.

Some of the topics being discussed tonight are: what makes a good death? What is it like to die? How would one like to die? What is the proper way to act in a cemetery? And how can one act as a role model for others when experiencing grief.

Surprisingly, more than anything else, though the subject matter is heavy, the participants laugh. It鈥檚 an affirmation of their own life in the face of mortality.

Is death funny? Not at all, says Theresa Hamilton, a death midwife who organizes the Death Caf茅 locally at Dose on the last Monday of every month, but far more than having any of their questions answered about their own mortality, the afterlife or their own family members deaths, participants, Hamilton says, leave appreciating the experience of life.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 think people鈥檚 views of death necessarily change after attending a Death Caf茅,鈥 says Hamilton before the event. 鈥淏ut definitely their views on life. They do.鈥

Over the course of the evening Hamilton moderates the discussion, but does not lead. The flow is organic, and all part of what she is trained to do.

People share their own experiences. They talk about their travels. About family members they鈥檝e lost. The way those family members died. How they cope. What to say to someone who has experienced a loss.

鈥淚 would like a painful death over an embarrassing one,鈥 says one of the participants, provoking laughter.

But a Death Caf茅 is not unique to our little town at all.

The first one was held in London, England, in 2011, and according to the non-profit societies who started the movement鈥檚 website, to date, there have been 5736 Death Caf茅鈥檚, held in 52 countries, in as distant locales as Thailand and Chile.

Locally, the first Death Caf茅 was held at Sangha Bean last year and organized by former owner Krista Manuel, who is also trained in death midwifery.

After learning about the concept and approach to dealing with death in school, she decided she would bring a Death Caf茅 to Revelstoke. Owning a caf茅 herself, she figured she had the perfect location.

Manuel says it鈥檚 never the same. That it often provokes laughter. And that it flows according to who is in the room.

鈥淟aughing comes with death,鈥 she says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a process of life.鈥

鈥淭here has to be the yin and the yang. Even when its dark, there is a lightness or a humour that somehow impacts it.鈥

Manuel says there will always be people who will be resentful of having these kinds of conversations openly, but that the more prominent these kinds of conversations become on a societal level, the more opportunity there will be for people to open up to them.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a ripple effect in the community,鈥 she says.

Hamilton studied death midwifery with Manuel and was a semester behind her. Both are involved with Revelstoke Hospice, and interested in trying to remove some of the taboo that we as a society have attached to death and dying.

One of the participants tonight, George Hopkins, who is the elder in the room, has come to a number of these events, and says that he enjoys them immensely. He says he always comes away having listened and learned from the others in attendance.

鈥淲e have these great big why鈥檚, and we try to break them down at a Death Caf茅,鈥 says Hamilton.

鈥淚t鈥檚 just about our stories and life experiences. When you end up talking about death or dying, you鈥檙e just really talking about how people lived. And then you鈥檙e just talking about people. Essentially it鈥檚 just storytelling.鈥

After the event, having moved and been moved, Hamilton is filled with humility. A participant tells her how grateful he was for the experience, that it has reminded him to be mindful of the falling snowflakes.

鈥淚 am but a spoke in the wheel,鈥 she responds.

Hamilton holds Death Caf茅s on the last Monday of every month at Dose Caf茅.





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